


when i watch the world burn (all i think about is you)

by sherlocksdaughter



Series: a moment of love [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (kinda), 3B scenes we'd like to see, Angst, Coda, Communication, Engagement, Episode: s03e20 City of Glass, Fluff and Angst, Headcanon, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues, Reconciliation, Reunions, Spoilers, True Love, War, and their love is legendary, basically love conquers all, season 3b
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18601333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlocksdaughter/pseuds/sherlocksdaughter
Summary: Like a good warrior, a good Shadowhunter, Alec Lightwood will die on this battlefield. He will die in a world where he is no longer loved by Magnus Bane, where he no longer walks in a bright, beautiful universe which so obviously was not meant for him - and that’s okay.Both of them raw, heartbroken and bleeding, surrounded by destruction and terror, they find their way back to each other.





	when i watch the world burn (all i think about is you)

Alec can feel himself flagging.

Above, the sky is sliced open – angry and red, bleeding with demons that don’t seem to stop spilling from the mouth in relentless numbers. The air is hot, stale, smells of burnt flesh and ash, smells of decay and terror. It’s putrid.

“Alec!” Izzy yells, in time for Alec to notice the demon soaring at close range from his side, spinning to latch an arrow and turn it to dust seconds before its claws tear his head from his shoulders. 

He notches arrow after arrow, sweat dripping from his brow, the cracked skin on his knuckles stinging: but the demons don’t let up. He feels barely conscious. Desperate. Hopeless. Alec tastes blood on his lips, his muscles are tight and scream at him. They lost Jace and Clary what seems like days ago, the parabatai rune beating against his skin his only sign that the former is still breathing.

“There are too many of them.” Izzy gasps, her voice tight with dread. 

“Keep going!” he barks, although he knows with increasing hopelessness that she’s right. He feels cruel warmth on his fingers as they drip with blood.

 _If I die now,_ an unwelcome thought swirls through his mind, _Magnus will never know the truth. He will live the rest of his life believing that I didn’t love every part of him, that he wasn’t enough for me. He will live the rest of his life hating me._

The thought brings the pain in his chest to the surface, rising like stones in his throat, and it’s worse than the pain in his hands and arms. Worse than the heat of the air on the back of his neck, worse than his mortality biting at his heels.

_Good. Let him hate me. As long as he can be happy tomorrow, let him resent me today._

A demon, crawling on his belly, rounds on Alec from behind. He turns, almost losing grip on his bow as he rushes to tug a blade from his thigh, throwing it between the demon’s eyes. It dies with a gurgling shriek.

 _Better to die today_ , his heart – his broken, withering, weak heart – tells him, _then live another day in a world where I can never see Magnus Bane again._

The demons somehow grow thicker in the sky above them, and his hands begin to tremble. Izzy draws in a shaky breath beside him. 

Like a good warrior, a good Shadowhunter, Alec Lightwood will die on this battlefield. He will die in a world where he is no longer loved by Magnus Bane, where he no longer walks in a bright, beautiful universe which so obviously was not meant for him - and that’s okay. 

He notches five arrows, and points steadfastly towards the great black sea of creatures descending through the blood red sky.

“I love you, Izzy.” Alec says.

“I love you too.” Izzy replies, strength and sorrow in her voice.

Alec thinks of Magnus’ golden eyes glowing in the dusk beside him. He thinks of the warmth of his hands against Alec’s face and the lovely melody of his laugh. He thinks of Magnus’ lips, his chest, the silhouette of his shoulders against the sunset, and the flutter of his eyelids after he is kissed. He thinks of Magnus sagging in his arms, muffling his sobs against Alec’s shoulder. He thinks of the ring in the drawer of his desk that he couldn’t bear to touch again. 

He thinks of that last desperate, searing kiss that Magnus pressed against his mouth before Alec walked away and shattered his own heart into pieces, and how that’s the last time Alec will ever know Magnus’ touch.

But it’s alright. 

The demons descend, and Alec is ready. To fight. To die. To lose, once and for all.

His fingers loosen their grip, and his arrows are released into the wall of death in front of him. After that, everything seems to happen in slow motion.

His arrows are launched for half a second before they turn to dust before his eyes. As do the sea of creatures before him, following a great, blinding stream of clean red light that leaves him blinking dazedly. Alec feels electricity kiss threateningly at his skin as every demon in sight is wiped from the sky. His heart registers its familiarity before his mind has the chance to catch up, jumping into his throat and sucking the air from his chest.

“Magnus!” Izzy cries. He sees her sag in relief out of the corner of his eye as he whips around, breathless and hopeful and heartbroken.

Because Magnus is there. Beautiful and powerful and terrifying, his hands outstretched menacingly at his sides as he stares at Alec with fire in his stunning, glowing yellow eyes.

 _He has his magic back._ Alec thinks with joy, his fatigue and fear forgotten for a brief, shining moment as he gazes at Magnus in all his glory. He looks like a Prince of Hell. He looks like his saviour, like an avenging angel. He looks like everything Alec has ever wanted.

“Izzy.” Magnus says, sparing Izzy his sharp gaze even as his voice softens a touch. “Retreat and regroup with your reinforcements.”

Her eyes flick to Alec’s, before she nods firmly. Her grip on her whip is as strong as ever as she marches with determination away from one battle and towards another, into the dust and out of sight.

“Magnus.” Alec whispers, and his knees buckle before he can quite comprehend what is happening. He finds himself kneeling in the dust before Magnus. Worshipful. Terrified.

“You stupid Nephilim.” Magnus spits. His eyes are burning, angry and raw as they bore into Alec’s. “You stupid, idiotic Shadowhunter.”

Alec says nothing, his mouth suddenly dry, his thoughts suddenly empty apart from a lovesick mantra of _Magnus. Magnus. Magnus. Magnus._

Magnus begins to step closer, and Alec feels every inch he shortens the distance between them like a fist squeezing at his heart.

“You went to my _father_?” Magnus scoffs, looming closer and closer. “After everything I told you about him? A prince of hell? A creature that _thrives_ on pain, on suffering and manipulation, who lives and breathes to draw me back to his side for the rest of eternity? You went to _him_?”

“I-“ Alec can barely think. He feels blood drip down his arm, dirt and sweat matting his hair against his forehead. “He told you?”

Magnus stops then, a metre from Alec, glaring with fury down at Alec as he stares up from his place on the ground, gormless and awed. 

“Of course he did.” Magnus says, hands curling into fists at his sides. “Once he realised I wouldn’t be his _pet_ again, he couldn’t bear another second pretending to be the caring father whose only concern is to ease his _dear_ son’s pain. He thrives off suffering, but god _forbid_ anyone not realise he is the orchestrator of that suffering. A proud creature, is Asmodeus.”

Alec feels shaky, untethered. 

“But, Magnus.” Alec mutters, “Your magic. The deal…”

“Yes, a fantastic job you did there, Alexander.” Magnus sneers, even as his eyes shine with unshed tears. “You really held up your end of the bargain beautifully. Consider my heart entirely shattered.” 

“But. Now you know, and-“

“He can try and take my magic from me again.” Magnus snaps. “But he’ll have to get me where he can reach me first, and I won’t make it easy for him when he does. This time, I’ll know better than to fall into his poisonous embrace again.”

Magnus’ body is taut, what Alec recognises as unconcealed pain swirling in his eyes and tightening his shoulders. He’s as raw as Alec has ever seen him, as dangerous as he’s ever seen him, with his battered heart on full display and his magic barbed and ready to destroy.

Alec did this to him.

“I’m sorry.” Alec says, because it suddenly becomes paramount to him that Magnus knows this. He doesn’t know how much time they have before the threat of death descends upon them again, but if he dies in the next minute, he needs Magnus to know this. “I never wanted to hurt you. Never. You, you were just so unhappy and I couldn’t bear it, and I knew that if I could give you this, if I could find a way to give you your magic back you could be happy again, you could be _whole_ again. Even if it meant losing me, I-I know you could move on from that. You have before. He was the only way I could think of, and I couldn’t bear it, Magnus. I couldn’t bear seeing you so unhappy because I _love_ you, I love you so much and I knew that you would spend your life resenting me if I didn’t, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Alec is trembling now, and he suddenly feels everything rise to the surface as his eyes heat with tears and the lump in his throat swells. He knew that walking away from Magnus, that throwing Magnus’ hurt and his love back in his face, was the biggest mistake he’s ever made – but now he really feels it, deep in the pit of his soul. It’s worse than breaking his own heart, because it’s Magnus’ heart he’s broken. Magnus’ gentle, wise, strong, _beautiful_ heart; crushed into the dirt.

Magnus is silent above him, and Alec turns his face to the floor and away from Magnus’ face, unable to bear the hatred he will undoubtedly find there.

He hears a crunch and a shuffle, and he finds his face being turned upward by two warm hands as Magnus draws Alec’s eyes level with his, the two of them now kneeling in the dust. Alec can’t withhold the shudder that rocks his body at Magnus’ touch.

“You stupid Nephilim.” Magnus whispers this time, and Alec feels Magnus’ breath against his skin. Magnus’ eyes still glow yellow, but the anger has dimmed, and there is no universe where Alec isn’t helpless to their pull.

“How can you not know,” Magnus says lowly, “that losing you carved a bigger hole in me than anything I have ever experienced in all my centuries of living?”

Alec can only swallow and tremble beneath Magnus’ palms.

“I thought that losing my magic was breaking me.” Magnus murmurs, close and quiet and secret. “But when you left….when you left me, Alec, I couldn’t bear it.”

Magnus licks his lips and shifts minutely closer, seemingly preparing himself.

“I have loved before. Many times. I have loved and lost so many, had my heart broken by so many. I have healed before, learnt from my mistakes, learnt from the wounds other people have dealt me. But with you, I…” Magnus’ eyes dip from Alec’s gaze for a moment and he shivers. Alec barely supresses the urge to wrap him into his arms, blood and confessions and the looming threat of mortality be damned. “It’s different. You’re different.”

Magnus leans back slightly, and while his body is still tense from head to toe and his eyes still glow golden, Alec can see the righteous rage has bled from him, leaving behind the raw, vulnerable man cupping his bruised heart in his palms for Alec to see. The last time Magnus bared his hollowed-out, aching heart to Alec, he had taken it and crushed it beneath his foot – and yet here Magnus is again, offering it before Alec’s eyes. Alec is more terrified now than he has ever been.

“I wanted to remove you from my life. I wanted to tear my memories of you from my mind.” Magnus whispers. Alec’s heart squeezes painfully in his chest. “Never... never have I wanted to do that with anyone else. Never have I felt the _need_ to. Not even with Camille, I-I just, the pain of losing you, thinking you didn’t love me anymore, it was _agonising_.”

Magnus swallows, loosens his grip on Alec’s face and slides his hands down until he’s cupping Alec’s neck instead. The part of Alec’s brain that isn’t reeling from Magnus’ words, the part of his soul that isn’t drowning in the throbbing hurt that exists between them, marvels at once again having Magnus’ hands against his skin, at seeing his beautiful eyes shine in the desolate air and the shape of his jaw against the seared orange sky.

“I couldn’t do it, though. I wanted to, I wanted to so badly but I _couldn’t_. And that’s what Asmodeus wanted.” Magnus eyes once again flash with anger at the mention of his father’s name. “He wanted me raw and in pain, so he could draw me into his arms once again, so he could convince me that I had no other choice than to take my _rightful_ place at his side again.”

“I’m sorry.” Alec says, quieter than a whisper, and Magnus shakes his head.

“But he was wrong.” Magnus says with resolution, his voice firm with anger and grit and a fire that makes Alec’s blood hot and goosebumps prick at his skin. “He thought that I loved you, and having you walk from my life would leave me small, broken and weak.”

Alec can’t breathe.

“He was wrong. I am stronger now than I was when he first found me. I am a different man. A better man. And that’s not the only thing he grossly misunderstood.” Magnus sucks in a breath. “Because in reality, you’re the love of my life, and I’m not going to let you go without a fight.”

Alec’s eyes spill over with tears, and in that moment he loses every thought in his head, every sensation in his body other than the need to reach up and drag Magnus by the shoulders towards him, until their mouths meet in a kiss that destroys Alec and puts him back together all over again. Alec feels Magnus’ lips move against his, and it feels like rebirth. Magnus kisses him, and Alec is whole again.

They part only to gasp and press their foreheads together, Magnus’ fingers skimming across Alec’s neck and shoulders as Alec grips desperately at the back of Magnus’ jacket.

“I don’t think I can live without you, either.” Magnus breathes, and Alec is lost.

“I love you.” Alec says, voice trembling, tears like red hot rivers streaming down his face. “I love you, Magnus. I’m so sorry. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. Everything I’ve ever done is to try and make you happy.”

“Shh.” Magnus whispers. “I know.”

He kisses Alec again, soft and sweet and far too quickly.

“I’m still angry at you, you know. Really angry.”

Alec manages a smile, and it’s crooked and apologetic and painful but his heart has been knitted haphazardly together for now, and it’s enough.

“I know.”

There’s a distant, blood-freezing shriek, and both Alec and Magnus look up to see the angry wound in the sky spill more demons, the masses of their black shapes against red hurtling towards the ground at a frightening pace.

They both rise to their feet, and their hands find each other, fingers tangling together where they belong.

“It doesn’t matter how much we fight as long as that rift is still open.” Alec says with dread. 

Magnus fingers tighten in his.

“It would seem that way.” He says, but he doesn’t sound hopeless. He sounds determined.

Alec turns to him, brow furrowing.

“Magnus…”

“I’m going to close it.” Magnus says simply, not meeting Alec’s eyes. “I know I can.”

“Magnus, no, it’s-“

“It’s the only way.” Magnus turns his gaze to Alec’s then, and his eyes burn with resolve, purpose, and something that looks a lot like love. “You know it is. It’s the only way we can end this.”

“I’ll come with you.” Alec says hurriedly, and it’s desperate and flailing and childish but he can’t lose Magnus again. He _can’t_.

Magnus smiles sadly at him.

“No.” Magnus says. “They need you. The city needs you.”

Alec can barely speak past the lump that swells in his throat, past the hot tears that tremble in his eyes and the feeling of urgency that rises ever prominently inside him, because he knows Magnus is right. Magnus is always right.

Instead, he draws Magnus closer to him until they’re chest to chest again, eyes skimming over every inch of his beautiful face.

“You’ll come back.” Alec murmurs, soft and reverent. Pleading. “Won’t you?”

A tearful smile crosses Magnus’ lips, and he lets go of Alec’s hand to cup his face once again, warm and loving and sad.

“Why wouldn’t I?” He whispers. “Look what I have waiting for me.”

Alec’s heart skips a beat. Magnus’ eyelashes lower and his chin tips upwards as he expects to be kissed, but instead:

“Will you marry me?” Alec says suddenly, startling himself with the words as they cross his lips. He hadn’t meant to say them – not here, not now, when there’s an axe hovering over both their necks and they’ve only just collided with each other again - yet he can’t take them back. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want another moment to pass where Magnus doesn’t know that Alec loves him, that he will love him for the rest of his life, that Magnus is his earth and stars and everything in between.

Magnus jaw falls slack as he stares at Alec, stares and stares with his fingers still against Alec’s jaw and his brows lifted in innocent surprise.

“Alec-“

“I love you.” Alec says. “If- _when_ we make it out of this – and this isn’t how I wanted to do this I swear – I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are my world, Magnus. I don’t want there to be any more doubt.”

And as they stand together in the dust, hands on each other’s skin, surrounded by death and desolation and dread, Magnus smiles at him.

“Yes.” He says, and Alec never knew that such a simple, common word could fix every crack in his heart, balm every ache in his soul. “Yes, Alexander Lightwood, I will marry you.”

Alec can’t not kiss him then, their mouths coming together familiar and brand new at once. He kisses him and kisses him for as long as he dares, and feels the world unfold anew behind his eyes.

“I have a ring.” Alec gasps against Magnus’ mouth, “I have a ring, I had everything planned out, I didn’t mean-“

Magnus shakes his head slightly. Alec feels Magnus’ hair brush against his forehead with the movement before Magnus slides his hands into Alec’s hair and kisses him harder. 

“After.” Magnus says, the word almost lost between their lips. “After. We’ll do this after. We still have so much to talk about, just…after. I have to go.”

He moves away then, and Alec grips his arms harder even though he can still feel Magnus’ breath on his face, the tip of his nose brushing against Alec’s.

“I have to go, Alexander.” He steps back, eyes finding Alec’s, hands moving from Alec’s hair to his neck to his shoulders before they fall at his sides. Alec’s hands follow suit, and they feel empty and wrong twitching at his thighs.

“Come back.” Alec says. A plea.

Magnus takes another step back, and another, his fierce gaze never once leaving Alec’s. His beautiful face curves into a smile.

“We always find our way back to each other.” Magnus says, and it sounds a lot like a vow.

He reaches an arm back, opens a portal with a graceful curl of his wrist (and how Alec has _missed_ that, even if his entire body is screaming at him to reach out and take Magnus in his arms instead). 

“I love you, Magnus Bane.” Alec tells him. He could tell him every minute for the rest of eternity and it would never be enough.

“I love you too.” Magnus says, soft as a prayer.

Then Magnus steps backwards and disappears.

**Author's Note:**

> I asked myself 'if I wrote 3x20, how would I write the Malec reunion?' and this was born.
> 
> LET THEM GET ENGAGED IN 3x20 YOU COWARDS!!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [magnsbxne](http://arthurdent.co.vu).
> 
> Comments and kudos earn my eternal love!
> 
> Title is from 'Doom Days' by Bastille.


End file.
